I was lying in bed the other night tired from a long day, it seemed that since my son had began his football season every minute between the hours of 5:30 am and 10:00 pm were accounted for. I was excited that the weekend was upon me and my kids had decided to stay at their grandma’s house. A quiet house to myself, I smiled to myself as I fell into a deep sleep. I heard what sounded like glass breaking coming from my downstairs. Phone in hand, I sleepily made my way down the steps. To my terror there were two men standing in my living room I froze in fear, making this confrontation more sinister.. I knew them, they were men from my past that I thought I had gotten rid of. Now I could clearly see that they were relentless in their pursuit of me. Their names were Guilt and Shame. One said “ sit”and so I sat. Then Guilt began to bind my hands with rope and then my feet so I could not move freely. He began reminding me of my past mistakes he then pulled out his kill kit and displayed his tools of operation: memories, lies, exaggeration and intimidation. I wanted to scream but Shame had his hand over my mouth so that I couldn’t speak. He always works along side of Guilt (they are a team) his job was take my voice so that I couldn’t speak life and positivity to myself.
Even after my deliverance and transformation from patient to Physician, from survivor to Reviver, from slave to Warrior I still had and have to constantly cut ties from Guilt and Shame. They are repeat offenders. I wanted to tell you that once you identify the areas in which they have decided to set up camp in your life, you can then strategically and intentionally set fire to the residence and build again. How you ask? Through exposure; you must tell on yourself. That burn you felt just now when you read tell on yourself is that same fire that will consume the lies Guilt and Shame are using to overpower you. Say what it is that’s being used against you. Not to Everyone! But to God, and possibly a counselor. Once you say it, or admit it. You then take away its power over you. And that my friend punches Shame right in the mouth. For me being married twice and my children having different fathers was where Guilt and Shame built their comfy lives. I was ashamed that I wasn’t good at relationships and it was super evident. I would tell half truths slip and slide or dodge questions. I didn’t want people to know, I didn’t want to be viewed as weak. Nowadays I don’t run up on people proclaiming my personal background (kinda in the blog I do) lol. However, I do tell the truth when the situation presents itself, and I do so with confidence. Why? Because I decided to accept my whole self. I could no longer afford to reject parts of me. Self rejection is the street Guilt and Shame live on. I love me, ALL of me. I love 17 year old me that was searching for love and that was confused at what love looked like. I love 20 year old Eryca that got married to please God and appease both church and family, trying her best to bring virtue to herself and her child. I accept and love 21 year old Eryca that fell into the trap of addiction and I forgave 25 year old Eryca that was certain codependency was true love.
I wanted to tell you that I broke free from my captors Guilt and Shame- just like in a cinematic thriller, I freed my hands and my feet, to move how I need to, which is FREELY and Authenticity with my Head held high.
I fought that fight and came out victorious.. I’m now qualified to speak on what I’ve had to overcome.. Codependency, Mommy Issues, and how to have 3 babies fathers and have Peace. Because I’ve lived it. I set fire to the camp Guilt and Shame built in my mind and in my heart. Then I built an altar of humility and thankfulness of love and mercy and understanding, compassion and empathy.
When I had escaped from Guilt and Shame, I began running towards my front door, towards the promises of God but standing in the doorway 6’6 300 lbs, big and puffed up, arms folded was Ego. My very own pride was mocking me, saying “You know they’re going to talk about you” “What about your brand?” “What about YOU???” I took a stance to begin a violent attack on my biggest enemy, my Inner me but just then I heard the spirit of the Lord and I repeated what I heard in my inner ear into the ear of Ego. “ If God be for me, who can be against me?” Romans 8:31 Pride stepped back and I walked into my newness of life. Not perfect but being perfected, which means mature. Mo’ betta than I was before.
I wanted to tell you that I’ve come to torture what used to torture me. I’m here to bind what had me bound. I’m here to kill the very things that with all their might tried to kill me. I’ve been sent to overthrow the kingdom that tried to overthrow me.
The more I write the more God shows himself and in an open confession I must admit I was afraid of being too God focused or religious on my blog and that my writing wouldn’t be valued by a mainstream audience but I am persuaded that (s)He who the son has set free is free indeed and with my liberation I will write the words that have been written on my heart, to yours. It Is So.
Still praying, Still hoping ,Still believing